On October 20th, 2009, when I was a senior in college,  I woke up to find out that a friend, someone I had grown up with, my first kiss, had killed himself. I felt stunned, devastated. We had not spoken in a long time, and my heart sank, because we never would again.

I had moved away from my small hometown in Challis, Idaho when I was 14 years old, about four months after my dad had suddenly died, a massive heart attack on October 21st, 2001. My mom brought me to Reno to be closer to my ailing grandparents who not long after died in succession of one another, one before my home burned down in 2002, and the other, soon after. I have often wondered what might have happened with my life from that “sliding door moment,” my dad dying and then us moving out of Challis right before high school. I mostly lost contact with my friends whom I had known my whole life, who knew me, and I started a brand new life in which I did my best to navigate adolescence, heavy grief, and what felt like nearly constant loss.

I think one of my saving graces during my adolescence was being able to participate in Speech and Debate in high school. I signed up for the class completely by accident. It was listed as Forensics, and I made the assumption that it would be like crime scene investigation type of forensics, but no, it was the forensics of language. I came to learn how to construct and de-construct arguments, and I had the opportunity to channel my feelings into a productive venue that provided positive reinforcement for my effort with trophies. I wanted so badly to win, thinking that it could somehow balance out the loss, and by the time I graduated, I had two state championships under my belt as well as having been Miss Nevada Junior National Teen-Ager. Despite all of the chaos that was occurring in my life, I had something to continue to strive toward and to give me direction. It was a hugely stabilizing factor.

I went to college at UC Santa Barbara, and I also spent a year of study-abroad in Scotland.  The truth is though, that despite my persistent efforts to push away the grief, anger, and pain, at 22 years old, I understood the choice that my friend had made… it was one that I had considered numerous times myself. I was not happy. I weighed close to 200 pounds, which was heavy for my 5’3 frame, and I often deeply ached inside. I had not yet fully dealt with my sadness, so I was living with one foot in and one foot out, so to speak. When Bryan made his choice, I felt so mad at him. I wondered why he had not fought to change it. To be fair, I do not believe it was the choice he had really wanted to make, and I do not have any idea of how hard he likely did indeed fight to the end. Around the time that Anthony Bourdain committed suicide, I heard it phrased as the choice of someone who is in a burning building waiting to be consumed by the flames or escaping out of a window. Neither choice is particularly pleasant, and it speaks to the sense of hopelessness that one feels in what appears to be a trapped situation. At that time, I also felt so much sadness, because he had immense potential.  I felt recognition. It was such a shock, but one that brought me out of a stupor into full blown existential awareness. I was at another junction, another sliding door moment. I had a choice, too. I could choose to continue living as I was, unhappy and headed in the same direction, or I could choose to live… to really make the most of my existence and my own potential. I came to find out that I had a whole lot more fight left within myself, and I wanted to instead choose to find the fire extinguisher.

If you are unsure of what you might want to put on a Bucket List of your own, this is a super helpful resource and so fun to flip through! The Bucket List, 1000 Adventures Big and Small, edited by Kath Stathers

I think about Bryan often. This year will be a decade since he made that choice, and I woke up. I sat in my room for about 2 1/2 months thinking about life and what I needed in order to want to choose to continue living since the other option was no longer on the table. I wrote a Bucket List, I lost about 60 pounds, and I got accepted to pursue my Master’s degree back home in Reno. I felt determined to learn how to support others to make the most of their time while they have it despite the obstacles and circumstances that we have to live through. Now, as I write this, I am holding my two napping babies in my arms, listening to their soft breaths, watching as their chests rise and fall. My husband, Brian, born October 22nd, is my sunrise. He is supportive of helping me to build and live my dreams, as I am of him with his aspirations, and we both have a whole lot of ’em. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and I have accumulated thousands of hours of sitting with people who think about the choices in front of them.  I cannot say that I always know the right answers for all others, but I can say that I will do my utmost to sort through the pain, the difficulties communicating what we truly want and need to say, and I will support you in finding a way to have love, forgiveness, and compassionate accountability for yourself as you find your own answers as to the ways that your life has meaning and value, because it does, even if in this moment it doesn’t quite feel that way. There are ripples that we create with our life and our existence, because we can create change, even if at first it is small and seemingly insignificant. What if, maybe, just maybe, it could become something more? Your life and the possibility of joy are worth that chance.

“Man does not simply exist but always decides what his existence will be, what he will become the next moment. By the same token, every human being has the freedom to change at any instant.”
― Victor Emil Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning

Suicide is a Leading Cause of Death in the United States

  • According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) WISQARS Leading Causes of Death Reports, in 2017:
    • Suicide was the tenth leading cause of death overall in the United States, claiming the lives of over 47,000 people.
    •  There were more than twice as many suicides (47,173) in the United States as there were homicides (19,510).

According to the Nevada Coalition for Suicide Prevention in 2017:

  • Nevada had the 11th highest rate of suicide in the United States, nearly double the national rate.
  • This is the 2nd year in history we were not ranked in the top 10.
  • Veterans comprise an estimated 20% of Nevadan’s suicides.
  • Nevada has the 2nd highest elder suicide rate in the country.
  • Discussing suicide does not cause someone to die by suicide, it actually opens the conversation to hope and help.

According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention in 2017:

  • Suicide was the 8th leading cause of death in Nevada
  • On average, one person dies by suicide every 14 hours in Nevada
  • Seven times as many people died by suicide in Nevada in 2017 than in alcohol related motor vehicle accidents.

According to the Office of Suicide Prevention – Department of Health and Human Services Fact Sheet for 2017:

  • Men accounted for 36,782 of the 47,173 completed suicide deaths nationwide
  • 3 female attempts for each male attempt
  • Firearm suicides accounted for over 50% of suicide deaths
  • The Western and Mid-Western states with high rural populations accounted for 12,010 and 10,275 of the deaths respectively.

Long story short, this is a conversation that we need to continue to be brave enough to have. Suicide is never an easy choice, and it is one that people often fear tremendous judgment for even considering. However, it is one that I think is relatable for a lot of people. I believe that by opening up and talking about our struggles, we reduce the stigma of having hardship and difficulty in managing our mental health and well-being. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention created “#realconvo” as a means for sharing one’s story of having been impacted in some way or another by suicide. Together, we can save precious lives by talking about the realities of being human and enduring hardship to the point of breaking. If you so choose, use #realconvo as a means of creating dialogue and becoming allies for those who know the struggle intimately.

I’d like to offer two important boundaries here. First, be mindful of the “vulnerability hangover,” i.e. opening up too much too fast without adequate foundation or follow-up. It’s hard to put words to the internal experience, and when we have done so, we need validation, non-judgment, and support. Vulnerability can be frightening, but as Brené Brown highlights in Daring Greatly, there is no courage without vulnerability. Having this conversation is a courageous endeavor, and it’s one that needs tenderness and sensitivity. That includes opening up about one’s struggles on social media. By all means, be brave and by doing so, we give permission to others to do the same. However, also be mindful that the digital platform is not the same as someone providing that safe space in person to break down and grieve the pain we hold within.

Second, friends and family members often care very, very deeply, but they may not know what to do or say. I encourage friends and family members to go to AFSP’s website that provides a how-to-guide for broaching what can often be an extremely vulnerable, difficult, and absolutely necessary conversation to have. Further, a trained professional can provide support to both the individual contemplating the choice as well as providing education and assistance to members of one’s support network to be even stronger pillars to lean on as changes are made. Sometimes as well, it is important for someone to have the opportunity to learn how to ask for what they want or need, and while that might seem simple, it can be extremely difficult to bypass long held defense mechanisms, which are there for a reason. Well-meaning friends and family members might push that individual to open up when they are not prepared to do so. People may have traumas in their background that require delicacy in approaching, and sometimes friends and family are aware of these triggers, but sometimes, they have no clue what lies below the surface haunting that individual day and night.

Protective Factors

Protective factors are aspects of a person’s life that actually lower their suicide risk. As one begins to feel hopelessness settle in, take an inventory of what factors could be improved.

  1. The most consistent protective factor found in research is social support and connectedness
  2. The idea of agency, i.e. that one is competent, effective, and has control over certain aspects of one’s life
  3. Reasons for living – One of the most important questions I can ask someone who is contemplating suicide is, “What would stop you?” As Victor Frankl stated in Man’s Search for Meaning, “In some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning.”
  4. Community Care 

(From the article “Self-care isn’t enough. We need community care to thrive.” by Heather Dockray on 05/24/2019)

“Community care can look like a lot of different things,”[Nakita] Valerio says. “It can be as simple as reaching out to somebody over text when you just need someone to talk. It can be someone grabbing groceries for you or  … somebody coming and doing your dishes and watching your kids while you’re grieving.”

Valerio compares community care to an extended family, where members are intimately connected to and routinely perform acts of compassion on behalf of one another.

“It’s more than going to someone’s art opening. It’s about being committed to being there for people,” Valerio says. “It’s about being there for people without them having to take the initial first step. It’s about adopting an ethos of compassion and very intentionally applying that.”

While sustained, interpersonal acts of kindness are a critical part of community care, there are also more structured versions. They can take a number of forms: neighborhood groups, communal homes, support groups, and community-based nonprofits.”

5. Self-Care – Absolutely we do in fact need community care, but that doesn’t mean that self-care isn’t also extremely important. Self-care is achieved by putting putting gas back in your own tank as so often, we are running on empty. I often use metaphors and analogies in my work. One analogy that I think is fitting is if a friend were to call and ask for help, perhaps he or she is out of gas and stranded on the side of the road, what would you say? More often than not, my clients say, “Well, I’d of course do my best to go help them. I’d tell them sit-tight, I’ll be there in a hot minute.” However, what if you do not have enough gas in your own tank? You cannot help another, at least not as greatly as you wish you could. Thus, by doing self-care, nurturing oneself in mind, body, and soul, and doing what one can to give oneself a boost, we are then more capable of providing for others, too.

Warning Signs

(Please note that I have not placed these in order of significance, i.e. one of these signs is not less important than another. Also, just because someone has one or more of these factors does not mean that they will commit suicide. Important questions to ask include: Does this person have a plan? Does this person have access to the means of choice or otherwise? What would stop them? i.e. reasons for living)

  1. Previous attempts
  2. A family history
  3. Medical conditions and/or chronic pain
  4. Mental Health challenges such as depression (including Post-Partum), anxiety, PTSD, bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, or other presenting diagnoses
  5. Environmental Stressors:
    1. Death of a loved one
    2. A break-up
    3. Legal trouble
    4. Financial stress
    5. Work difficulties
    6. Domestic Violence
  6. Bullying is particularly problematic for adolescents
  7. High pressure circumstances
  8. Access to lethal means
  9. Impulsivity
  10. Substance abuse – this can lower one’s inhibitions
  11. Sudden changes in affect – after a long period of deep depression, someone is suddenly joyful, giving away their things, saying odd statements that almost sound like a goodbye, making arrangements for their animals, or other odd behaviors that just don’t quite add up and cause a gut reaction that one should check-in with that individual
  12. Social isolation or limited access to preventative resources – a big factor in rural communities
  13. A sense of hopelessness or nihilistic thinking, i.e. that there is no meaning to anything

If you are concerned that someone is in immediate danger to themself or others, please call 911. 

 

Finding Purpose

Many years ago, I did a life-changing retreat in Peru that taught me my purpose in being: Love. Again, seemingly simple, and yet, love can be the whole spectrum of emotion. To show up as love in this world can be exceedingly painful at times, and at others, pure and utter bliss. Victor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning, wrote his novel following surviving Auschwitz concentration camp. He created Logotherapy in which one discovers or creates a sense of meaning in their circumstances and suffering. In my opinion, he is one of the forefathers of existential psychotherapy, as he was faced with the very worst of circumstances and he survived. He details in his book how he witnessed many who perished in the extremely harsh conditions. He describes two factors that made a difference, in his opinion. First, those who could maintain a sense of humor despite the circumstances, and two, those who found meaning in their suffering. “For the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth – that Love is the ultimate and highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love.” I have spent the last decade of my life studying the many aspects of wellness, and I plan to spend the rest of my life’s time continuing toward better understanding what I can offer to this world to create that love in myself, my family, friends, clients, and community, both locally and globally.

Thank you for the read, and please know that you are not alone. Sometimes, reaching out can be one of the hardest steps we take, perhaps because we perceive it as weakness or we don’t know who to turn to for help. Also, I will say that not everyone finds their right therapist right off the bat. It is important to make sure that one feels safe and has a strong rapport with their therapist in order to delve into the more difficult and vulnerable material that requires healing. Please don’t give up. Help is out there, and you have the sacred opportunity to create positive ripples with your existence from this moment forward.

Additional Resources

The Myths and Facts about Youth Suicide

Mental Health America

Psychologytoday.com

GoodTherapy.org

If you want to talk to someone or are experiencing suicidal thoughts, text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. For international resources, this list is a good place to start.

Nora Ann with her husband, Brian, and their children, Thomas and Berlin

Nora Ann Brucklacher, M.A.

LMFT, CYT-200, RMT, Shaman

855 S. Center St. #101

Reno, NV 89501

P: (775) 440-1256

E: sswg101@hushmail.com