I recently lost a dear friend of mine due to heart failure. She was someone with whom I had conversations for hours on end. She told me stories of her life experiences, and she listened as I conveyed stories of my own. Her struggle with her body has helped me to realize that much like her, I have an incredibly difficult time asking for help. I am recognizing that it is in fact ok to say that I do not want to do something by myself; however, habits are difficult to break. I grew up watching my father’s John Wayne, “I can do it myself” sort of attitude, and I adopted a similar personal style and approach to life. My mother calls me her little ant, because I try to lift things that are twice my size. I once loaded and unloaded an entire semi-truck of stuff all by myself, because I was determined to prove that I did not in fact need to ask for help. I do not like to feel as if I am a burden on others, which I sometimes perceive myself as being if I reach out. I also do not like being perceived as weak or vulnerable, because in those instances of my past, I have felt taken advantage of. I have lived in a deep fear of rejection, and by not even asking, I avoid being told “No.” More often than not, people seem glad to be of aid, and I am learning that my fear of rejection holds me back from being fully accepted. To feel the relief of being allowed to be exactly who I am, including being vulnerable, is an incredible opportunity to learn how to love myself. I am worthy of love and I AM loved. I am worth the risk, because my soul, much like your soul, is a gift.
There is no easy way to say goodbye. Coming to terms with having to let someone go is a moment of pure and utter powerlessness, because one does not in fact have a choice in who lives and who dies… we all have our moment. It’s a difficult time for everyone when someone passes away, because both those who are grieving and those comforting others who are grieving are often at a loss for what to say. There are so many things that can be said, such as, “I am so sorry for your loss,” or “My condolences to your family.” I’ll be honest, it really bugs me when people say they are sorry. Sorry for what? It’s not their fault the person has gone. Still though, the awkward elephant in the room persists, and it remains until time has had an opportunity to give space. In the time after someone close has passed away, there is a sense of rawness that comes in a variety of flavors. How each person grieves is his or her own process. There is no right or wrong way to handle the loss, but there are certainly healthier ways than others.
Julie, my friend, expressed a deep desire to change her life, but it was already too late. She lived with her pain for decades, but she didn’t know how to make the changes without help. Just days before she passed away, she told another friend of ours, “I wish I could go to Nora’s clinic and get healthy.” While I can no longer offer her the opportunity, I will be doing a 30 day bootcamp with her daughter, Shannon, for the month of November. I am incredibly honored for the opportunity to work on myself at the same time as guiding my beautiful friend toward being able to better love and admire herself. It is so hard to make the journey into a new lifestyle all alone, and over the next month, we’ll have one another to lean on and learn together how to get healthy. I have admittedly gained a few pounds over this past year, but I am now back into the mindset of wanting to live a long, happy life. It is not about getting skinny or looking better than anyone else. Rather, I want to look as good as those whom I admire, and I want to feel good, too. I want to lead an active and exciting life that I will look back on and smile grandly when reminiscing. I cannot switch bodies or lives with anyone else. I can only be me, for as long as I live. I do not want my life to be akin to that of a punishing sentence I have to make due with until it is my time. There are a number of ways in which people attempt to quicken the moment of death along when life is less than satisfactory. I want to be compassionate toward myself without giving into indulgences that I know I don’t actually want, because they do not ease my pain.
A more preferable option is to attempt to live a “clean” life, which for me means that when I am on my own death bed, I will feel at peace with the life I have lived. When I eat cleanly and treat my body well, I am able to appreciate and savor my “naughty” moments all the more. By resolving past disagreements with people, or simply finding the way toward forgiving others and myself, I am able to live cleanly with those around me. I want for people to know how I feel about them while I am still alive, because NOW is the time for the words that will otherwise be left unspoken. By experiencing the pain and acknowledging my fears, I accept what exists and what I do and do not have control over. For example, I cannot necessarily control how I feel about something or someone, but I can control the choices that I make for myself from one day to the next that create the life I want to live. When I stop resisting the anxiety about my future, I find it becomes easier to breath. When I let go into the flow of the changes occurring around me, I find myself having more say about who I want to transform into rather than becoming a manifestation of the fear the consumes me. Even though I am scared of how bad a workout is going to hurt right before and during the physical strain, my mind and my body come to a sense of peace with one another when the hour is up and I have in fact survived the pain I didn’t think I was strong enough to handle.
Also, if you are feeling alone, I promise you that there are an abundance of resources to tap into to help you migrate through your pain. The Crisis Call Center (1-800-273-8255), counseling and therapy services, a dear friend, or perhaps a pet are all great options for reaching out and talking to someone. The Sierra Sunrise Wellness Center will likely not be open until the New Year (2014) due to necessary renovations we are undergoing to turn our building from a residential to a commercial property. When we are open, we will provide the opportunity for those in our community who want to reach out to do so. We will offer art, yoga, and counseling services in order to achieve a well-rounded sense of mind, body, and soul principles that will aid one toward feeling well and whole. We appreciate your patience as we navigate the city planning commission’s requirements! We will post pictures of our facility coming soon! If one is seeking counseling services before then, I would highly recommend The Downing Clinic at UNR. The number is 682-5515. They also offer play therapy, which is fantastic for little ones under 8 years old!
Today, I encourage you to start creating a mind-body connection, starting with your toes. Give your tootsies a wiggle, imagine what it feels like when mud squishes between your toes, the footprints you leave behind when you walk on the beach, the ache you experience when you stub your toe, or the heat that one might feel on one’s heels when walking across coals. What memories do you have of your feet taking you somewhere you didn’t realize you wanted to go? Are your feet currently aching from standing too long? Are your feet in sync with the steps of another? Do you want to walk fast, charging ahead? Are your feet more content to mosey along, one step at a time, unconcerned with direction? Write a story of where you would like your feet to go and experience, and spend some time imagining how that story could become real. Why not? ;)
Thank you for your love and your beautiful soul gracing my life, Julie. May you rest in bliss and light, free from your pain, and hopefully still playing pranks somewhere in this vast universe. <3
