Sierra Sunrise Sundays – “It’s Not About the Nail”

First, I invite you to watch this hysterical video: It’s Not About the Nail :)

I have to admit that as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have become somewhat jaded about marriage. Let me explain.

The sooner a couple comes in seeking help in facilitating their difficult but necessary conversations, the better it often is for their relationship. When a couple is in love and feeling on top of the world, little things tend to slip through the cracks as being unimportant or unnecessary to address at that time. When the fairytale honeymoon phase of a relationship lessens and “real life” tends to weigh in and on each of the partners, little arguments begin to erupt to the surface, and this becomes the bread and butter for how the couple will fare the stormy weather of the ups and downs of simply being human, together. Some couples might communicate incredibly well, and furthermore, will have a strong enough foundation to fall back on when one another’s less than perfect qualities begin to pop out here, there, and everywhere. However, some couples might come to find out that there are other aspects of a relationship apart from love that are also important, such as sharing similar values, hopes, desires, and dreams. When a couple begins to contemplate marriage and raising children together, questions of family compatibility, financial arrangements, and the ability to support one another through “thick and thin” become important issues to address.

Unfortunately, what often tends to be the case, is that a couple will come into therapy with a great deal of damage already done, and at least one person checked out or checking out of the relationship. This happens perhaps because one partner has cheated, or has hidden some other  massive secret about themselves that heavily rocks the relationship, hopefully temporarily. In my opinion, cheating is a symptom of a greater feeling of unhappiness. If one’s relationship was solid, it would be far less likely that someone would choose to cheat.  The number one most difficult event for a couple to overcome is the loss of a child, which carries a tremendous amount of grief, and often blame, shame, or guilt. It is not my job to judge the behaviors or the people, but rather to help the couple understand where and why these behaviors and feelings developed, what was the root of it taking place to begin with. Moreover, it also becomes my job to assess the willingness of each partner to continue trying, which greatly determines whether the couple will be able to make the relationship work. I watch the body language of a couple, as well as look for what the leading researcher in couples therapy, John Gottman, termed as, “The Four Horsemen” that signal the likelihood of longevity of a relationship.

John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse of a Relationship

1. Criticism:

When pointing out something that someone has done, criticism can come across as attacking someone’s personality or character, rather than the action or mistake that one perceives another as having made. These attacks are generally done with the intent of creating a one up and one down position, ie “I’m right, you’re wrong.”

Take a moment to examine the language you use when describing how someone has “wronged” you. Do you use generalizations such as “you always…,” “you never…,” “you’re the type of person who …,” “I’m not surprised that…,” “Why don’t you,” “Why do you…,” or  “I always knew  that you would disappoint me, because you are…” [fill in the blanks]

2. Contempt:

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines contempt as, “a feeling that someone or something is not worthy of any respect or approval,” which can translate to some incredibly nasty and cruel name calling, insults, and psychological attacks to a partner’s sense of self. When one has little to no respect for another, the relationship can get incredibly ugly.

Contempt can be shown in a multitude of ways, such as through eye rolling when one’s partner speaks, mocking one’s partner, name calling and insult dropping, or using “humor,” which isn’t funny to the person who is feeling the seething rage and hostility thinly veiled underneath the words and actions.

3. Defensiveness:

If one is expecting to be attacked, then he or she might become overly defensive, or perhaps see one’s self as the victim, despite whether or not an attack is intentionally being made.

Ways in which one might exhibit these tendencies include not listening to one’s partner in what they are attempting to communicate, such as coming up with a response while one’s partner is still speaking; making excuses for one’s self rather than taking responsibility for how one might have contributed to a situation; “yes-butting,” which means agreeing, conditionally… “Yes, but…”; talking over someone else; disagreeing without listening to the argument being made; and the list goes on, and on, and on, and on. Essentially, there is always a come-back, always a reason as to why someone might have done this or done that, and that it is unfair that he or she should take any heat for what did or did not happen.

4. Stonewalling:

According to Bob & Marlene Neufeld and Mary Ann Carmichael, at the point that one’s partner or one’s self shuts down, he or she is “withdrawing from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict.” However, by a partner stonewalling, he or she is conveying “disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness” (2005.)

Ways in in which one might stonewall include the silent treatment, shortened speech (using as few words as possible,) moving onto a different subject and dismissing the current conversation, or  leaving the situation abruptly or before it has come to a resolution. Another concept by Gottman is called becoming “flooded,” which means that one has heightened cortisol levels, ie the person becomes too stressed, to be able to process information as they might normally. In order to be able to talk about the situation in a more level headed manner, it might be necessary to take a breather, and come back to it when one has calmed down. Excusing oneself and citing that he or she might need to take a moment is entirely ok, as long as he or she intends to finish what has been started.

The truth is, every couple will and should have arguments, and not every couple needs to go to therapy. There are some important changes that you can make right at home, simply by changing how you consciously communicate with one another. Begin to truly listen to one another in whatever it is that you each need to say, and rather than preparing your reply, wait, and validate what your partner has said with what you understand from them that they are feeling and experiencing. Rather than focusing on the negative, begin to practice appreciation for what you have noticed your partner has done well. When feeling oneself becoming defensive, stop and take a moment to acknowledge where that is coming from. What part of you feels attacked, or feels the need to be protective, and of what? Re-write the the thought patterns that might include “righteous indignation” or “victimization” with thoughts in which you claim responsibility for the part that you play in any negative interaction. Maybe you were in fact just a bystander to someone else’s bad day, but what is it that you can learn from that situation and what can you do about it? Preferably don’t go home and kick the dog or yell at your spouse and children. Instead, find a healthy outlet for those feelings, such as talking to your spouse or talking to another friend or family member.   Don’t bottle up your rage and let it explode at a later date, potentially ruining your relationship, and ultimately hurting yourself. Allow for the healthy release of what is no longer serving you in your life, and prepare yourself for introducing that which feels in line with who you want to be and where you want to see yourself headed toward.

Marriage

It’s not about the wedding. It’s not about the ring.

It’s not about the shoes, or the dress,

or all of those people whom you hope to impress.

It’s not about the Facebook profile picture

or your new relationship status change.

It’s not about showing off how skinny you got

or hiding how much you somehow gained.

It’s not about who could make more money

or who’s truck or breasts have a better lift.

It’s not about the prestige or the glory,

or the perception of such gifts.

It’s not about who has children

or how many countries they all came from.

It’s not about the mountain of plastic you can buy at the mall.

It’s not about how many chocolates  you said you would save until lo and behold, you ate them all.

It’s not about how fast you can run a mile, how high you can jump, or how easily you can climb a wall.

Quite frankly, it’s probably not even really about YOU at all.

It’s about the relationship to the person with whom you are committing to dream and savor your life alongside,

It’s about about the plans you hope will come to be, even if they somehow fall through unexpectedly.

It’s about holding and supporting one another in times that are less than favorable, and in times that are. 

It’s about opening yourself up to the vulnerability of being, loving, and doing for another all that one can.

It’s about coming home at the end of the day to find those who have been waiting for you to come through that door allll day!

It’s about knowing that THIS moment and THESE people are important, and in that knowledge, you become strong.

It’s about the tender embrace of the little loving arms around your neck that you will have created with your partner,

and it is the fuzzy, furry snuggles of the four-legged children you share together.

At the end of the day,

It is about Love.

The love you hold in your heart and in your soul,

in good times and bad, for richer or poorer, for better or worse,

and beyond death in which you shall you never truly part.

Love, Faith, Trust, Positivity, Courageousness, Honesty, Joy, Laughter, and Pure Magnificence of Being,

Hold your partner dear, and hold yourself dear, too.

You are worthy, deserving, and truly, more than good enough, through and through.

Enjoy your life together, treasure every moment,

 even when one wants to strangle the other for how very annoying he or she can be.

When there are no more days to be had, the moments that were become all the more important,

Do not take for granted all that you have, letting these moments slip away

Because in your partnership, comes the truth of happiness and solidarity with the world around us.

It’s about  reading between the lines to know what it’s not about,

and caring deeply enough for one’s partner to have the patience to discover what it IS really all about.

Nora Ann Shannon, M.A. MFT-Intern, RYT-200, RMT
For an appointment, please call: 1 (775) 384-3111
or email: nshannon@sierrasunrisewellness.com

Be kind to one another, and be kind to yourselves <3

All that is light, and love, and peace, and grace within me, 

honors, acknowledges, and appreciates, 

all that is light, and love, and peace, and grace within each of you. 

Namaste,

<3  Nora Ann