“There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” ~ Carl Jung
“There is nothing to fear, because the world loves you, Little Bear.”
This past week, I assigned myself the homework of reading The Dark Side of the Light Chasers by Debbie Ford. She defines Carl Jung’s concept of the shadow as that which “contains all the parts of ourselves that we have tried to hide or deny. It contains those dark aspects that we believe are not acceptable to our family, friends, and most importantly, ourselves. The dark side is stuffed deeply within our consciousness, hidden from ourselves and others” (1).
In this moment, I am healing. I am finding myself and attempting to accept that which I have found amidst the murky waters of my consciousness. In taking the time to address the different aspects of myself that have been hurting, I am uncovering guilt, shame, and fear of rejection. I believe my body is a reflection of my current internal perception of my life’s circumstances, so when I look in the mirror, I look for an indication of how I am feeling about my life currently.
This past year was rather rough on my self-esteem, and I am incredibly proud of the work I have done and am doing in order to get myself back to an internally happy and satisfied place… better than ever in fact! I am on the cusp of so much, and yet, I am sometimes paralyzed by the enormity of all that I have the potential to be and do. This is called the golden shadow. Each and every person has the same potential to be amazing, and in fact, we already are. However, sometimes, to live up to that greatness is almost more frightening than failing. We know what it feels like to fail, and that can become a very comfortable place to stay since it is familiar territory and meets our expectations of our own perceived self-worth. I have no doubt of my potential, but the fear of achieving my goals and dreams carries with it the knowledge that I have to try, and sometimes, I am just too exhausted to do much more than find my favorite pair of sweats and curl up in bed with the covers over my head. Each and every day, I put an enormous amount of pressure on my own shoulders to try to strive toward the success that I know I am capable of. In truth, that pressure sometimes takes away from the joy of the achievements I have already made, or the importance of the lessons I am learning in my present moment.
There are certain topics that make people feel incredibly uncomfortable and fidgety, one of them being contemplation of one’s own death. While I do have an occasional panic attack in my realization of the fear that lies just below the surface, I also use such moments as the bread and butter of my continued existence. I want soooo very, very much to have the purest moments of authenticity and humanity to guide my life toward something… more.. something indescribably divine and beautiful. That moment is in fact in the here and now, and it is also something to build toward, day in, and day out.
From all of the searching I have done to find peace with my past, I have gained an awareness of the pure potential that life can hold. My father was 43 when he passed away, which means that I would be past his midlife already. I have an urgency to live my life with as great of an impact as I possibly can while I have the opportunity to do so. I want to leave a legacy! I believe that my life purpose is to give my love and light to the world in order to share what it means to be happy. For a person to feel a moment of happiness is what it means for this world to be have the potential to be a better place. One day, I will get my Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology with a specialization in grief and trauma so that I can do Doctors Without Borders. One component of my career path at a time, I am building toward attempting to heal the world. I am starting locally by serving my community here in Reno first. I will hopefully be able to influence others to spread joy rather than quite so much judgment and criticism of ourselves, which is then projected outward in our feelings about those around us. Debbie Ford writes,
We project our own perceived shortcomings onto others. We say to others what we should be saying to ourselves. When we judge others we are judging ourselves. If you constantly beat yourself up with negative thoughts, you will either beat up on the people around you — verbally, emotionally, or physically — or you will beat up on yourself by destroying some area of your own life (45).
If you will indulge me, I want to tell you about one of the most amazing acting experiences I have ever had. It wasn’t in a play, and there were no memorized mechanical lines. It was during the Death Rites workshop I did a couple weekends ago for the beginning of my Shamanism training.
There was a group of about 7 or 8 of us, and each one of us improv’d our deaths and final goodbyes. Each of us chose who we would say our final goodbyes to and who in the group would play that person for us. Thus, each one of us played several roles in one exhausting ceremony after another. Final goodbyes are filled with an enormous range of emotions. Our masks fall away as we begin to finally accept who we are, revealing and perhaps even reveling in our human vulnerability and frailty one last time. I was fascinated as a therapist looking on, because it was an opportunity to learn how I could simply “be” with some people in their final moments. I learned that a lot of times, what people really want to have the opportunity to say and hear is “I love you” and “I forgive you.”
It is an incredible opportunity to experience one’s truest self. While in this state, one does not resist or repress emotions and memories, because all of one’s life experiences and aspects of self are valuable and necessary for the growth that brings one closer to bliss. Everyone experiences something slightly different, depending on the journey he or she needs to take, but you get what you ask for, just not necessarily in the form you thought you might. For example, while I might have difficulty looking at myself in the mirror on some days, regardless of what I see with my self-critical lens, my body is still a beautiful piece of art, which bares the story of my existence up until now: my genetics, my age, my gender, my ethnicity, my socio-economic background, my level of “formal” education, my breadth and depth of life experiences, and slightly more subjectively, my personal opinion about myself as displayed outwardly. I have a story to tell, because I am a human being. Those whom I have the opportunity to directly cross paths with during my lifetime will also have a story to tell of their own lives, their own experiences, and their own ways of coping with being.
It is one of the greatest risks to be authentic with those whom you believe will not hear the beauty and courage of your truest self. Expressing your truth can in fact sometimes initially do more damage than good. However, while I cannot say that it is always the best decision to say what you feel you must protect, I can say that you are so much more than any single aspect of yourself or circumstances. You are a precious human being fully capable of anything and everything that any other human being is. For example, some people might have a greater ability to learn calculus or to dunk a basketball, and the same could be true of being able to express compassion for one’s self and others or to dunk someone while water boarding them. What it all comes down to is choice and practice.
What will you choose to express of who you are, and how will you find a way to accept, love, and forgive yourself for that which makes you all the more beautifully human?
Be well, my friends :)
